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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Our moment

I'm done being strong.  I don't think I have ever cried for as many hours as I did today.  I started an hour before leaving Kevin and then continued my entire 2 1/2 hour drive home.  This is a bitter sweet moment.  My tears have dried up.  I've known for a long time that this moment would come and it would be hard.  It's hard, very, very hard.  Leaving him at the hospital in his sparse room and knowing he is not able to attend the temple sealing of Sam and Michelle is a devastating feeling.  I didn't know it would be this hard.  And for everything I know about eternity and the blessings of the Gospel, doesn't make this moment easy.  Someday we will look back at this time and see a clear picture of how it all came to be and why.  Until then...we move forward, because that is what we do.

Kevin is my life, my breath and my joy.  I am who I am because of him.  My life without him is unimaginable.  I am not ready for him to be anywhere but by my side for a very long time. 

barbie

6 comments:

leslie said...

I love you two. It is so hard to see you two go thru this. I am in awe of your love and your strength We will all be in san diego but we all be with you Kevin and will carry you with us. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Barbie,
I know and understand - Believe it or not, you still are strong. Crying is not a sign of weakness - your body and your emotions need a release occasionally. You both have been amazing through the trials you have had to bear. Know that you are loved and prayed for. Take comfort and strength from the knowledge you have, as difficult as that may be sometimes. Even though you need to be away physically from Kevin for the wedding, I know that your spirit, thoughts and emotions are as connected to each other as if you were sitting right next to him.
Love,
Judy Grabert

Felisha Coltrin said...

Your post moved me to tears this morning.(my motto: no one cries alone):) You are a strong and brave woman and I love you bunches!! Tell Sam congrats and we love him!!

Effa said...

Still praying for you. Your love shines like a beacon for Sam & Michelle to see now and forever. You are doing the right thing. Blessings will pour down on you through this experience. Love, Effa

John and Dorothy said...

I'm so glad you have this blog to allow your friends and loved ones to cry with you and reach out across the country to extend loving arms. I know it is hard to remember the Savior stands on the shore and is aware of our toil in the storm. Try to savor every moment of the sealing and time back with Kevin. Study your scriptures together, put together a bucket list and work together to make it happen, go to the temple and listen carefully to all that is promised. Take charge of the hospital room and have a friend protect your time and energy with Kevin. Above all, remember you are not alone, those around you, both seen and unseen, will bear you up and carry you if necessary. We'll ask for a booster shot of spiritual help and if you will sit quietly your heart will fill to overflowing and you will feel loving arms around you.
Both of you have given so much of yourselves to others, you have built plenty of debt in Heaven. If you could see through the clouds, the windows of Heaven are pouring out blessings on you and your family. It is our most difficult times when we feel the most tender mercies. We love you and pray that you may feel the love around you.
The Millers

Fries Family said...

Wow, you are both such amazing people. Thank you so much for sharing these emotions and feelings.