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Friday, February 6, 2009

Where Have I Been?

I know it has been forever since I have written and for my own personal reasons I kept most of my feelings to myself.  My sister-in law, Darlene told me once that when things get really hard to write a letter to myself and then destroy it.  I wrote privately for awhile, but I have not destroyed them yet.  I feel that my private writings will help me later somehow.  I wrote privately for myself mainly because i was embarrassed and tired of complaining openly to the blogging world. 

I am going to be open now of what has been happening here and in my perspective.   
I'll start with Rebecca first.  Just after Christmas Rebecca's new husband, Corey decided that mormon life and married life was not for him.  It was only a few weeks later that we moved Rebecca home and realized the marriage was over.  We will never know exactly what happened in his heart, but we do know that Rebecca did all she could to try and save the marriage.  Corey has made a decision and in his heart I believe he feels he is doing right for Rebecca.  For the few weeks of early January we watched Rebecca torn; she was still in love with him and hoped he would change his mind, while other moments she was angry at what he did to her.   As time went by her heart healed and she wished as we did that he would find happiness in his life.  Some days I miss him, but mostly I wonder why. She is strong now and happy and will be heading back to BYU for Spring term to continue her degree in Advertising.  We have loved having her back home with us.  She brings laughter and playfulness to our home.  Caitlin is also enjoying having her sister around.  

Now, about Kevin.  He is my love and will always be.  Does this mean I am good at being a sensitive and loving caregiver?  No.  I am good some of the time and other times my selfishness comes through and I am tired of him being sick.  I miss the easier life we seemed to have, but am grateful for the outcome of every trial that has come our way this year.  Without the love and knowledge of God, I would not be so calm.  I look forward to him going back to work.  Not because I want him out of the house, but because it will be good for him and will give us both the sense of normalcy again.  I am truly scared of what is ahead with the SCT, more so than the heart transplant.  My fears have little to do with it being successful, but my ability to care for him in all that is required.  I must sterilize his water.  Make everything from scratch.  Keep him away from public places.  Drive him everywhere.  He will be on a Microbial diet because of his immunosuppressive drugs.  This means he also can't have fresh fruits, vegetables, deli meats, open breads, yogurt and many other specifics.  He is not allowed in the kitchen or allowed to clean in any way.  And all this will be in a hotel again in Stanford.  I know, it sounds like I am complaining again.  Sorry.  I'm just stating facts.  With Rebecca home until March, she will be able to help out at home with Caitlin.  Once she heads back, we'll figure things out again.  

Now about me. I have started taking prerequisites for Dental Hygiene school.  I am taking Organic Chemistry and Nutrition.  It has been a good distraction, but also extremely time consuming.  I have classes all day M&W.  I know that when the SCT process starts in a couple of weeks it will be hard to keep up with classes and if I fail, I fail and can repeat them.  If I need to drop, I will drop them.  We are grateful and will call upon family and friends who have offered to help when he needs 24hr. care in the hotel and I am in class.  Some may wonder why I would even think to start these classes now and not wait until things were easier.  As Kevin puts it, "things may never get that much easier" and honestly we both felt it was the right thing to do.  He knows me and I know me better than anyone.  

My way of coping now in my life is to work through today and plan for tomorrow, not the "future" tomorrow, but just the next day tomorrow.   
I am happy, healthy, love learning about carbons, (REALLY...)and I might add, tired.  But because of my faith in God, I know that only he can carry my burden and make it light.

Barbie



10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Barbie,
Thank you for sharing with us what's going on with you and the family. Wrap that quilt around you and think of all of the hugs and support that it brings. Share it with Rebecca. It is good to hear that she is recovering from such heartache. I love you; you are in my prayers often (living with a hormonal Kevin).
Love to you.
ldh

Anonymous said...

Dear Barbie, all I can say is that I will always treasure the day I met you and Kevin. How did we get to this point in our lives? I believe God knew we needed each other through this journey. More so with me. I have looked upon Kevin for support during the rough times. You have always been so stroug and positive, especially during the hard times. My prayers are with you and your family. Kevin and I will make it through the SCT and go on to have our lives back. I know God is with us. Love you both, Debbie Douglas

Anonymous said...

hi Barbie,
Gosh I wish I could just make it all better and go away for you.
Take advantage of the 24/7 help and go to school and dont ever feel guilty about it either!
Kevin knows how much you love him and heck I wish I had my hubby there everynight I was in the hospital!
He is a lucky man to have you and you also deserve to have some time for you as well.
My mom used to stress and I said mom stop stressing about (everything) it will work out! It always does right?
Like I told Kevin on one post. God has gotten all of us this far he is not gonna let us down now!!!!!!!!!!
He is just not! PERIOD,FINAL hehe
Hang in there Barbie and IM sorry to hear about your daughter but God has a plan for her to and this was just not his plan!
I will continue to pray for your family!
Tippi

Anonymous said...

hi Barbie,
Gosh I wish I could just make it all better and go away for you.
Take advantage of the 24/7 help and go to school and dont ever feel guilty about it either!
Kevin knows how much you love him and heck I wish I had my hubby there everynight I was in the hospital!
He is a lucky man to have you and you also deserve to have some time for you as well.
My mom used to stress and I said mom stop stressing about (everything) it will work out! It always does right?
Like I told Kevin on one post. God has gotten all of us this far he is not gonna let us down now!!!!!!!!!!
He is just not! PERIOD,FINAL hehe
Hang in there Barbie and IM sorry to hear about your daughter but God has a plan for her to and this was just not his plan!
I will continue to pray for your family!
Tippi

Al, Wendy, Max, and Lil said...

I always say "I love life because it is messy." I wish yours would clean up for a while. You need to have a BIG FAT BREAK!!!!!! Not just a vacation....a break from REAL life. I love you Barbie. You are one of the best girl friends I have and my heart aches for you. I wish I lived around the corner and could do more for you. Give Rebecca a BIG hug from us...or maybe we'll try to have her over for dinner sometime when she gets back to Utah. Love to all, Wendy

Brian said...

Hi Barbie! Not to be insensitive to the whole situation, but after reading that blog it just seems like the mood needs to be lightened a little bit. So here's another joke:

What did the bear say to the other bear after they finished eating the clown?

Did he taste funny to you?

:)

Anonymous said...

My dear Barbie, as your mother I wish I could take all your problems and make them all disappear. I love you, and things will get better. You are in my prayers daily. You are such a great wife and mother. Stay positive things always work out for the best.
Love, mom

Jennifer said...

Dear Barbie,
Although I have never met you "in person", I feel in some ways I have. To my way of thinking... you are having the feelings of any other person in your position. You and Kevin have been through so much already and I understand your fear at being able to adequately care for him with the upcoming SCT. God will give you the strength, of that I am quite certain. You won't be perfect, who is? You will do your best and what more can be asked for? All of this is such a challenge but you have grown and will continue to grow through it all. Thank you for sharing with us. (You were not complaining either,just expressing your feelings. That way we better know how to pray, too.)It was so good to see Kevin at the hospital last week, when he was visiting.
My prayers continue to be with Kevin, you and the family
Love,
Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Barbie,
You are such an Example to me and my Family. Your family is so beautiful. Through this very difficult time that you and your family have been going through, and will continue to go through I have been Watching a strong, loving, close family at work. It is Beautiful and has Taught me so much. I Love you. I love Kevin. I Love your children. You are in my prayers always. Thank you for you and your family.
Rachelle

Anonymous said...

Barbie,
You are such an Example to me and my Family. Your family is so beautiful. Through this very difficult time that you and your family have been going through, and will continue to go through I have been Watching a strong, loving, close family at work. It is Beautiful and has Taught me so much. I Love you. I love Kevin. I Love your children. You are in my prayers always. Thank you for you and your family.
Rachelle