I am going to be open now of what has been happening here and in my perspective.
I'll start with Rebecca first. Just after Christmas Rebecca's new husband, Corey decided that mormon life and married life was not for him. It was only a few weeks later that we moved Rebecca home and realized the marriage was over. We will never know exactly what happened in his heart, but we do know that Rebecca did all she could to try and save the marriage. Corey has made a decision and in his heart I believe he feels he is doing right for Rebecca. For the few weeks of early January we watched Rebecca torn; she was still in love with him and hoped he would change his mind, while other moments she was angry at what he did to her. As time went by her heart healed and she wished as we did that he would find happiness in his life. Some days I miss him, but mostly I wonder why. She is strong now and happy and will be heading back to BYU for Spring term to continue her degree in Advertising. We have loved having her back home with us. She brings laughter and playfulness to our home. Caitlin is also enjoying having her sister around.
Now, about Kevin. He is my love and will always be. Does this mean I am good at being a sensitive and loving caregiver? No. I am good some of the time and other times my selfishness comes through and I am tired of him being sick. I miss the easier life we seemed to have, but am grateful for the outcome of every trial that has come our way this year. Without the love and knowledge of God, I would not be so calm. I look forward to him going back to work. Not because I want him out of the house, but because it will be good for him and will give us both the sense of normalcy again. I am truly scared of what is ahead with the SCT, more so than the heart transplant. My fears have little to do with it being successful, but my ability to care for him in all that is required. I must sterilize his water. Make everything from scratch. Keep him away from public places. Drive him everywhere. He will be on a Microbial diet because of his immunosuppressive drugs. This means he also can't have fresh fruits, vegetables, deli meats, open breads, yogurt and many other specifics. He is not allowed in the kitchen or allowed to clean in any way. And all this will be in a hotel again in Stanford. I know, it sounds like I am complaining again. Sorry. I'm just stating facts. With Rebecca home until March, she will be able to help out at home with Caitlin. Once she heads back, we'll figure things out again.
Now about me. I have started taking prerequisites for Dental Hygiene school. I am taking Organic Chemistry and Nutrition. It has been a good distraction, but also extremely time consuming. I have classes all day M&W. I know that when the SCT process starts in a couple of weeks it will be hard to keep up with classes and if I fail, I fail and can repeat them. If I need to drop, I will drop them. We are grateful and will call upon family and friends who have offered to help when he needs 24hr. care in the hotel and I am in class. Some may wonder why I would even think to start these classes now and not wait until things were easier. As Kevin puts it, "things may never get that much easier" and honestly we both felt it was the right thing to do. He knows me and I know me better than anyone.
My way of coping now in my life is to work through today and plan for tomorrow, not the "future" tomorrow, but just the next day tomorrow.
I am happy, healthy, love learning about carbons, (REALLY...)and I might add, tired. But because of my faith in God, I know that only he can carry my burden and make it light.