Sunday, November 8, 2009

A Stress-Free Life

Attention Readers!
Reduce Your Stress Levels by 100% in Two Easy Steps
Take advantage of this limited time offer and
never worry about anything ever again.

Step 1:
Remember on June 17th, 2007 what happened to you? Of course you don't because it didn't happen. At 2:37 P.M. you were just about to leave to get to your appointment early, but you could not find your notes. You reprinted them which took an extra 7 minutes. Two miles from your house, you drove down a hill without incident. If you had left seven minutes earlier, while swerving to miss a man that drifted into your lane while texting, you drove off the road and hit a tree. You died at the scene.
Of course, you didn't die because on that day you were running late and now remain as 96% of most people who do not truly grasp the reality of their own mortality. Why does this matter? Because when you do grasp this reality, you don't sweat the small stuff, and most of it is small stuff. How many times has your life already been saved and you still don't see it? Next time you feel anger coming on as you coast behind an octogenarian doing 37 MPH in a 55 MPH zone silently say to yourself. "I am in no hurry, I would have lost that time at the next red light anyway," and relax. I probably say the same thing to myself now at least ten times a day and I don't feel stress anymore.

Step 2:
Give your life away. (This actually has some sub-steps)

Sub-step a. Give away your ego
Relinquish your need to be right all of the time and add to your vocabulary phrases like, "You are right." and "I really agree with you." Stop correcting irrelevant flaws in language and logic of the person that is speaking to you. Actually listen without just waiting for the other persons lips to stop moving so you can blind them with your brilliance.
Sub-Step b. Give away your need for stuff
Get rich slow by spending less that you possess. If you are already in debt, make a plan and spend even less. (Debt = Stress)
Sub-step c. Give away your need for total control
Yes, your boss can be annoying; but we all report to someone. Unless you are that rare person that has total control and you end up making a movie like "Star Wars, Attack of the Clones" Let go of that need to control and you might learn something from the most unlikely person.

I lied, there are actually three steps (in addition to the sub-steps of step 2)

Step 3:
Create buffers
Buffers blunt the pain of unexpected situations and give you room to maneuver and recover.

Buffers are essential to avoiding stress:
Financial Buffers (Savings, security etc...)

Good Will Buffers: Kind acts that are deposited in your charity bank so that when you say or do something selfish people will still like you and forgive you.

Trust Buffers: A developed pattern of reliability and responsibility so others will afford you the freedom to make your own decisions.

Space Buffers: Don't drive too close to the car in front of you at 75 MPH on the freeway.

Apply now to follow these 3 simple steps and remove all stress from you life. It is an unproven fact that without stress you will live longer, be better looking and stop over-eating. If you still doubt the veracity of this fool-proof system, I refer you back to step one.
You are still alive. Be grateful for every breath.



Wendy said...


Emma and Dan said...


Aunt Renie said...

I love it! And unintentionally, I'm sure, you've once again blinded me with your brilliance.
Aunt Renie

Dana Nanigian said...

right on

rebecca said...

my father is a wise, wise man

Marie said...

Love this, will have to fwd this post on to friends.

marniandgarth said...

Thanks! I needed that :)
I do tend to get irritated easily on my drives through Sun City. Your words will help me change.

April said...

well said! Thanks for the reminders! :) Hope you're feeling more energized today!