Friday, June 3, 2011

Half Full

An eight ounce glass sits in front of me. Four ounces are inside. Is the glass half full or half empty? To this same question, Bill Cosby once observed, "It depends whether you are drinking or pouring." For three years I have maintained that no matter how bad I feel today, I will feel better. Does that also mean that no matter how good I feel today, I will feel worse? It has been a rough few weeks; especially with the constant feeling of fatigue. I have had some good days as well. Monday I drove Caitlin and two of her friends to Yosemite. Everywhere we looked there was water pouring over the canyon walls. It was magnificent. In my desire to prove my strength. I hiked up the mist trail to the top of Vernal falls. I knew it would be hard going up, but didn't realize how painful descending would be. There are about a thousand steps hewn from the granite. They were wet from the mist of the waterfall. I strained all of my muscles just to keep my balance. I was not as prepared (or strong) as I thought I was. I would pay for this later. Then on Tuesday I got a sore throat. For me that means bronchitis and possibly pneumonia which can take three weeks to resolve. I started antibiotics and had a infusion of gamma globulin yesterday. Did I push myself too hard? Yes. I guess I was trying to fill my glass by squeezing it to make it smaller. That only serves to shatter in he effort. It is hard because I still want to do more than my body will let me.
On a more positive note, Caitlin graduates from high school today. We are so proud of her and the beautiful and virtuous young woman that she has become. Three years ago this day was only a wish, and now it has come true. I wish for many more days like today. Every day we both drink and fill. The level of the liquid is meaningless. There will always be bad days, but then how much sweeter are the good ones, as long as we have the insight to recognize them.
My light chain lab report came back last night inexplicably high despite finishing my course of chemotherapy the day before. I have no idea what this means. The future will manifest itself despite any anxiety that I might have. The only path, then, is to stay the course and pray that this miracle that I have been living continues. In the end, I am not the one who fills my cup.



Anonymous said...

Kevin, We are in about same frame of mind as you. We have been at UAMS in Little Rock for 5 weeks. Rich is here for carfelsimed. This is the ONLy place he can receive this drug. It has been very rough on us in so many respects. While Dr Barlogie is world renown, this medical center is so dysfunctional. The level of dysfunction has been difficult for us and causes more stress in our lives. While I admire Dr. Barlogie, I tell him how this place has huge problems for patients and caregivers. Very long story of how we ended up here. Things are up and down, today very down. We can only hope for another good day. Elle

Anonymous said...

Amen Kevin. Through you our cup has been filled many times. Thanks for your inspring words that have filled my cup once more.

Emma and Dan said...

I loved the analogy of trying to squeeze the cup. Very well put.

I'm so sorry that you aren't feeling well right now. We're praying for you always! We love you guys.

Congrats to Caitlin!

Aunt Renie said...

Just tears, no words.
And lots of love.