Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Songs that make me cry

I've noticed over the years that certain odors will stir up a memory from the distant past. However, I cannot always connect a location or an event with the odor, it comes as more of a general feeling. I believe this is because odors are perceived in our primitive brain which is not well connected to the memory center, you get the Area Code, but not the Address.

Songs are different. An unexpected song comes on the radio or Ipod in random mode, and you are immediately taken to a specific place and time; and the emotion of that moment washes over you uncontrollably. This is only amplified if you are on steroids. Steroids bring your emotions to just under the surface so that, as I tell Barbie, they make me cry at toilet paper commercials. That 'quilty' softness gets me every time. So on days like today, when I take 40 mg of Decadron, I feel it.

There are five songs that make me cry. (This qualifies me for a "High Fidelity" top five list.) The first, (in chronological order) is "100 years" by Five for Fighting. That was the day that I had made the decision to leave Yale and Connecticut to move to back to California. The second is "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay. Barbie and were driving home from Santa Clara having just been diagnosed with Amyloidosis and told that I needed a heart transplant. The third is "Let Love In" by The Goo Goo Dolls. That day I was alone in the hospital, as Barbie had to leave me to go to Sam and Michelles' wedding and we had to pass on the heart from the Mayo Clinic. The fourth was when Caitlin came to Stanford, just after my transplant, and sang the song "Waiting" that she wrote for my birthday. The fifth was tonight, while taking Caitlin to piano lessons and hearing Imogen Heap sing "Hide and Seek" knowing that tomorrow I have to go back on high dose steroids because my heart is once again in moderate 2R/3A rejection. And we don't know why.

Generally, with every side effect I get, I try to connect it with something that is temporary, reversible or fixable; be it drug reactions, low magnesium or diet and exertion. But this time, I am out of connections. I can only trust in my doctors and keep my faith in God and be patient. I go back on 100 mg of Prednisone tomorrow for 3 days with a rapid taper. Beyond that, I cannot predict. But don't pray for me, pray for Barbie, she's the one who has to live with me.
We had planned on going to Utah to see Coldplay in concert and stay for Thanksgiving, It might end up being Boston Market in Roseville. (I actually love their turkey dinner, it's all the salt.) Seriously, though, I am actually feeling great, both physically and emotionally. I have the best doctors and the best family. I know everything will work out well. it always does. And there are so many songs yet to be written.



Anonymous said...

Hi Kevin, just read your post. I'm so concerned and want you to know I'm here for you. I know I put a lot of stress on you asking all my silly questions and leaning on you. Like Tip said "you are the doctor and we look up to you". Maybe we also need to remember you are a patient too! I will pray for you and it will pass I know. You are a wonderful person and I am thankful each day you have come into my life. Why has God brought so many wonderful people to me like you and Tippi. I think it is because God knew I couldn't handle this myself. Barbie is a loving caring person and you both have such a wonderful loving relationship (it shows). She will always be there for you, not to mention your children and their new spouses. We are very lucky to have such a strong support group. Rest, relax and be a sofa potato ok! love debbie douglas

Alexandria said...

I agree that songs are good at bringing back memories...they make me cry too. We are still hoping that you'll get to come out. We love you.

Anonymous said...

Kevin and Barbie;
You have been in our prayers since Day 1. You and your family will continue to be in our prayers.You are strong in faith and "heart". And you always will be.
Sac Uro Chicks